Walang Hiya - Without Shame (Part 2)

We first explored loving your body without shame. This week, I want to explore a type of shame that doesn't come up very often if at all, even in conversations about self-care. 

Professional Shame

As a child of immigrants and being an immigrant myself, there was this inherent pressure to live up to the American Dream. We came to this country to have more opportunities, to rise into the middle class, and to live a comfortable life. 

Living a comfortable life means job stability after higher education. At least, that's how it feels in my family. I'm sure there was hope that I would become a doctor or dentist or some other well-paid professional. Instead, I studied psychology, pursued a Masters in Social Work, and chose a career in sexuality and pleasure education. 

I joke about how I chose a path where I could help people, even if it meant that I couldn't pay my own bills. Even though I am also in the retail side of sexuality, I ultimately choose passion over profits.

Even more so, I chose a completely nontraditional path. One that my parents have struggled to understand, and perhaps have even been embarrassed to explain what I do to others. I can't tell you how often I've heard my mother say that I was working with "weird" products or that what I was doing was "weird." I also can't tell you the number of times my mother has suggested that I go back into school to get a business degree. This is tame based on what I've heard about others.

A career in sexuality, even the educational side of it, has its own specific type of struggles. In a society that devalues bodies based on their appearance, emotional intelligence, and pleasure, it is not uncommon to be given strange looks once you explain your career. I've heard of countless partners who become insecure, angry, and abusive because their partners are involved in the sex industry. In Athena's, there have been too many distributors who left because the were not getting any support from their partners. They were made to feel shameful of their interest in sex toys, when the real shame is that their partners made them feel that way at all.

Of course, when it comes to people who are supposed to care for us, we want them to be happy. Not just "happy," but "happy with us."

At the end of the day, I certainly want my loved ones to be happy with and proud of me. I want them to be proud of what I do and how I'm helping others. And yet, I know this is not what my parents wanted for me, so I can't say whether or not they are actually proud. I also know that I am happy with my chosen career, even with all its struggles. I have found community, friendship, chosen family. I have learned so much and want to keep learning more. At the end of the day, I chose my own wants and needs.

I've certainly felt shame around my profession of choice, especially since I know it wasn't part of my parents' American Dream. However, here's what I believe to be an interesting conundrum. Is it not part of the American Dream to pursue what I'm passionate about?

There has been a long history of people choosing paths that they felt they had to take. Perhaps there's a family business, or a sense of feeling like their path was chosen for them by parents and society. There's also nothing wrong with that choice, especially if it's one that brings you joy and pleasure. 

Could you imagine, though, if people were able to make a career out of something they were truly passionate about? If they were able to make a career from something they enjoyed, even if it's generally considered a "hobby"? If they were able to explore their interests before retirement? 

A job is an obligation. The work you do is the piece that matters. That passion and pleasure in the work can define your profession. There's no room for shame in that.

How will you be releasing Professional Shame in 2018?

.......To be continued next Friday!

Mermaid Monday: Ep 10 Self-Care Beyond the Spa!

Walang Hiya - Without Shame (Part 1)

When I was young, one of the Filipino phrases I often heard was, "walang hiya." It means "without shame" or "shameless." It carries a negative connotation, and often used to shame folks into changing their behavior. 

It was not something I wanted to hear my parents say to me or about me. This led to me trying to make decisions that would please my parents, and I would feel so ashamed if they were disappointed. What I didn't realize was how ingrained shame became in how I related to the world.

Body Shame

I don't know if I would have ever considered myself skinny. I remember being told to watch what I ate, not to eat too much, and yet to make sure I finished all the food that was on my plate. I remember a relative once telling me to hold on to my utensils until I was done eating everything. I remember not even being a tween yet and weighing myself every couple of minutes one day, just because I was curious about how my actions affected my weight.

At one point, I believed that my age and my weight had a larger relationship with each other. So, if I were 10 years old, I should weigh 100 lbs. If I were 11, I should weigh 110 lbs. If I were 20, I should weigh 200 lbs, and so on. Clearly, that's a skewed view of the Body Mass Index.

As my weight increased as I grew older, as I started taking birth control pills, as I indulged in late night eats during college, I struggled with the weight I was unable to release. When I would go home from college and, later, grad school and visit my relatives, my grandmothers would often grab at my upper arms and declare whether or not I had lost weight.

It's been a long and difficult journey, and it has been filled with lessons along the way. I went to the gym because I felt I had to, though I learned that I enjoyed guidance and a class structure more than going to the gym just to use machines. I tried Whole30 and being "paleo-light," or so I called it. In the past two years, I've been loosely following the Fit Girl program. Through these nutritional journeys, I've learned more about my eating habits and have learned the value of having prepared meals, if only for the sheer amount of time and money saved during the week.

Every time I failed at the gym or at eating, all those negative messages and feelings of shame zoom through my brain. Yet, something didn't feel right.

In all that time of comparing my body to other bodies, I realized that the standards I was striving for weren't build for a Filipina body. The standards were built and created by white men. Nutritional guidelines don't incorporate meals, fruits, or veggies that were prominently used in my culture. My comfort foods were not the same. I truly felt that I would have to give up my culture in order to fully follow any weight loss plan.

It's taken many years for me to actually learn to listen to my body. At 35 years of age, I've come to learn how much my body can do, and about what I need to do for my health and self-care. I recognize that I enjoy movement, mainly through dance. I've even come to enjoy jogging as an opportunity for me to interact with my neighborhood and with nature. I recognize that food is an important part of how I live, and it's also a way for me to connect with people I care about. 

It's certainly still a work in progress, especially as I continue to age and learn more about what my body needs. I still feel shame once in a while, especially if I'm interacting with family members. However, I have decided that if it makes me feel like I am in any way less than for my curvy body, then I will choose to walk right on out.

How will you be releasing Body Shame in 2018?

....To Be Continued Next Friday!

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