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Goddess Cecilia 10/9/21 Goddess Cecilia 10/9/21

Don't Ghost On Your Pleasures: How to Keep Communication Open

Where were you when Facebook and Instagram FAILED?

I was actually out and about, and mad that my Instagram post wasn't posting. I assumed it was just another way that Mercury in Retrograde was personally attacking me. When I got home, I checked Twitter, and there it was.

How was I supposed to communicate with my friends? How was I supposed to share any of projects I had or promote any products or communicate with my clients? Luckily, I have this mailing list, a website, and I'm on several other social media platforms.

But it got me thinking about broken communication, and not just with our friends and family. Sometimes, communicating with partners doesn't go as smoothly as we anticipate. People have different understanding, different ways to speak about the same thing, or even language barriers. If heightened emotions are involved, one of you might even say something that could really hurt feelings.

I know it can feel really difficult to communicate one’s needs at times. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but you also want to enjoy your pleasure times. You also have to choose your words carefully depending on how you’re communicating - in person, via text, email? The last thing anyone needs when they’re trying to talk about sexy times is to have a misunderstanding that leads to a standstill.

So, now how do you communicate this to them without hurting any feelings? Here’s some suggestions.

KEEP THE PARTNER PLEASURE CONVO OPEN

Try using phrases like:
”I really like it when you…”
”I’m interested in seeing what…..feels like.”
”I think it would be sexy if we tried…”

Using “I” statements can prevent it sounding like blame is being placed. People are less likely to listen when it feels like they’re being attacked. You’re speaking for you, after all.

It’s also important to remember that it’s a partnership. Hopefully, the relationship is based on mutual trust, understanding, and desire to see the other happy. Being genuinely curious about their thoughts and feelings will hopefully keep it reciprocal.

Every sexy session is an opportunity to learn - about yourself, about your partners, about the relationships. Even if you learn that you’re not compatible, that’s an important, and certainly difficult, lesson to learn.

Hopefully, these quick tips can be useful during your next sexy session.

What about communicating our own needs to ourselves? How often do you ask for or give yourself permission to do something? And I'm not talking, "Okay, I guess we're doing this!" and just jumping head first into a situation. 🤣 I mean, like, really sit and contemplate whether or not you *want* to do something.

Okay, now, when’s the last time you checked in about your sexual pleasure?
Do you usually go for your usual fave toys, position, location, time of day/night? Or do you check in once in a while to see if the usual ways are still working?

It’s certainly fine if everything you’re doing is still working. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, after all.

Though, sometimes we don’t always notice the incremental shifts we take. Even if we think we’re doing everything exactly the same, we might take a little longer to reach orgasm, or we might be a little more stressed or hungry or thirsty than the last time. But, we usually press on because, “that’s just how we get it done.”

When it comes to sexual pleasure, it helps to vary our activity every once in a while. Honestly, with any activity, any pleasure, it helps to have variations every so often. This keeps our brains (oh, yes, the most important sexual organ) active and flexible. This tells our brains that there are a wide variety of sensations we can enjoy, and it keeps our old favorites as old favorites.

It’s also a learning opportunity. It’s helpful to know that you do or don’t actually like that type of pressure, or that type of vibration, or that type of touch. When you’re then playing with a partner, you are coming with a whole treasure box full of options!

Here’s some questions you can ask yourself when you check in about your pleasure.

PERSONAL PLEASURE CHECK IN QUESTIONS

During your next solo pleasure time, ask yourself the following:

-Does this particular sensation still feel pleasurable?
-How will the sensations change if I vary my position/ pressure/speed?
-What did I learn about my pleasure when I tried something different?

If you try something, and it doesn’t feel as pleasurable right away, try it again another time. If the sensations are painful - and not in a fun way, then that’s definitely something to take note! It may mean that it’s something to avoid next time.

Your pleasure potential is endless! Being curious about the possibilities, and it could lead you to amazing discoveries.

Remember that you have the ability to add and take away from your pleasure tool kit. Tech changes, information changes, and what you find pleasurable will also change.

Part of these questions come from me being a complete nerd about sex and pleasure. They are legit questions I’ve asked myself!

When I was part of the Goddess/Adonis Advisory Board with Athena’s Home Novelties, we had to test a variety of toys. Some of which I could tell I wasn’t going to enjoy, and others that surprised me completely. It seems like a glorious job, but you really do end up wading through a bunch of junk. My time in the Advisory Board helped me to be more thoughtful about my and my partner’s experience.

I’ve always been naturally curious, asking all the questions for clarity and to dive deeper into a topic. Asking questions can lead to better outcomes and more pleasure for everyone involved, instead of just hoping that it will change or eventually avoiding the conversation (and ghosting) completely.

So much of what you’ll find out in the internet repeats over and over that communication is important. But they don’t often talk about what communication might sound or look like, or that it can involve asking more questions than you think you’ll need to ask.

It might be awkward at first. As with most things we might need to relearn or unlearn, it takes time and practice. And of all the thing to practice, becoming a better communicator with your partners and with yourself about pleasure can truly benefit everyone in the long run.

Goddess Cecilia 2/7/21 Goddess Cecilia 2/7/21

Asian American & Pacific Islander Sexuality Professionals

(Updated AANHPI Sexuality Pros list here)

Cue the Cringeworthy Oriental Riff

On January 29th, 2021, a supposed Sex and Relationship Coach named Kim Anami, along with director Shea Raven, released a video entitled “Kung Fu Vagina.” The video utilized Carl Douglas’ song from 1974, “Kung Fu Fighting,” which uses the Oriental Riff, a musical phrase that has been historically used in media to signify when Asian characters, dress, practices, or something related to “Asianness” would appear. It generalized what being Asian meant, and it perpetuates harmful stereotypes. Much like what Kim Anami’s music video did.

Quick Reminder: “Asian” is NOT a monolith. In fact, it comprises of approximately 50 different countries, cultures, and practices. There are absolutely Black and Brown Asians. There is also anti-Blackness within a variety of Asian cultures because of the history of colonization and imperialism that also affected and influenced the largest continent. “Pacific Islander” is NOT a monolith, and there is a different culture and history of colonization. While there may be similarities, and often Asian and Pacific Islander folks face similar discrimination, they are separate cultures.

So as to not repeat the amazing work that others have done, definitely check out the article written by Carina Hsieh for Cosmopolitan, Co-Founder of Lioness Anna Lee’s video response, Just Another Hannah’s video reponse, and BlasianFMA’s video response. They all talk about all the various things that are wrong with this music video and the concepts Kim Anami is trying to sell.

As of February 7th, 2021, the music video has since been remove off YouTube.

I also did a Live React video and shared and published it everywhere I could, including here on my blog. Below is the video, starting at where her video starts.

The general response of folks who know better is disgust and lack of surprise. This is not Kim Anami’s first time at the Racist Rodeo. Not only is her appropriated name an issue, she’s said extremely INCORRECT things about the Black Lives Matter movement and oppression in general. She has had a history of silencing Black, Indigenous, People of Color. AND THEN, she weaponizes sex and shame by claming that anyone who disagrees with her is “underfucked.”

So much for love and light and positivity.

Support Asian American & Pacific Islander Sexuality Professionals

Instead of following and supporting supposed Sex and Relationship Coaches who are not-so-secretly white supremacists, here’s a list of amazing Sexuality Professionals of Asian and Pacific Islander Heritage and Decent and where you can find them. Hire these folks and other Black, Indigenous, Latinx Sexuality Professionals.

Sonalee Rashatwar
IG: @thefatsextherapist
Website: www.sonaleer.com/

Sukriti Dabral
IG: @askingwhatsmeaningful
Website: sukritidabralsexed.wordpress.com/

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly
IG and Twitter: @sexwithdrjess
Facebook: www.facebook.com/sexwithdrjess
Website: www.sexwithdrjess.com/

Lotus Lain
IG and Twitter: @itslotuslain

Jo Portia
IG and Twitter: @iamjoportia
Facebook: www.facebook.com/gofitjo
Website: www.iamjoportia.com/

Caitlin
(Hapa femme in undergrad creating a space for pleasure and growth)
IG: @thes3xtalk

Nawaaz Makhani
IG: @rumi2explore

Mystique Coach
IG: @mystiquecoach

Jayda Shuavarnnasri
IG: @jayda_kissed
Twitter: @JaydaKissed
Website: www.jaydakissed.com/

Ivy Kwong, LMFT
IG and Twitter: @bareivy
Website: www.bareivy.com

Dr. Sakshi Tickoo
IG: @sex.love.andot
Twitter: @sexloveandot
Facebook: www.facebook.com/SexLoveAndOT/
Website: www.sexloveandot.com/

Sandra Phanita
IG: @sandra_phanita
Twitter: @praxisofphanita

Get Gilly by Erin Chen
IG and Twitter: @getgillycom
Website: www.getgilly.com

May Vutrapongvatana
IG and Twitter: @mayvutrapongvatana

Sex Ed with Tim
IG and Twitter: @sexedwithtim

Carina Hsieh
IG and Twitter: @carinahsieh

Dr. Catalina Lawsin
IG: @drcatalina_
Website: www.drcatalina.org

Jiz Lee
IG and Twiter: @jizlee
Website: www.jizlee.com

Sage
IG: @callme.sage
Facebook: www.facebook.com/authenticallysage
Website: www.authenticallysage.com

Rae Threat
IG and Twitter: @raethreat
Facebook: www.facebook.com/raethreat
Website: threat.tv/

Kenneth Play
IG: @Kennethplay
Twitter: @Kennethplay
Facebook: www.facebook.com/kennethplaypage/
Website: Kennethplay.com

Queen Layla
Twitter: @IAmQueenLayla
Website: www.4lsolutions.com/

Bianca Dowon Lee
IG: @bleedinginerotica
Twitter: @biancadowon
Website: www.bleedinginerotica.com

Maria Two-Traps (she/her)
IG: @_sexandsquats
Website: www.sexandsquats.org

Joey Estella, LMFT
Website: LAtherapy.weebly.com

Midori
IG and Twitter: @planetmidori"
Facebook: www.facebook.com/planetmidori
Patreon: www.patreon.com/planetmidori
Website: www.fortefemme.com

Jet Setting Jasmine
IG and Twitter: @jetsetjasmine
Facebook: www.facebook.com/jetsettingjasmine
Website: www.jsjlinks.com/

Sex Nerd Sandra
IG and Twitter: @sexnerdsandra
Patreon: www.patreon.com/sexnerdsandra

Mia Little
IG: @alittleedutainment

Harmony Lee
IG: @yourgaydanceteacher
Website: www.yourgaydanceteacher.com

Justine Fonte
IG and Twitter: @imjustineaf
Website: www.justinefonte.com/

Good Byes - Your Friendly Ghostwriter by Justine Fonte
IG: @_good.byes_

Sydney Rae Chin
IG: @sexysoupdumplings
Website: msha.ke/sexysoupdumplings/

Michelle Hy of Polyamorous While Asian
IG and Twitter: @polyamorouswhileasian
Facebook: www.facebook.com/polyamwhileasian
Website: polyamorouswhileasian.com/

Anna Lee from Lioness
IG: @annaisaverage
Twitter: @hisohee
Lioness Website: lioness.io/

Ti Chang from Crave
IG and Twitter: @designerti
Crave Website: lovecrave.com

Ann Nguyen
IG and Twitter: @theannnguyen
Website: www.theannnguyen.com

Dr. Varuna Srinivasan
IG and Twitter: @drarunasrinivasan
Website: www.varunasrinivasan.com/

Kei Karayan of Kasama Culture
IG: @kasamaculture

Rae Chen
IG and Twitter: @thenotice
Website: thenotice.net/

Share Your Nuance
IG and Twitter: @shareyournuance
Website medium.com/shareyournuance

Roots of Health
IG and Twitter: @rootsofhealth
Website: www.rootsofhealth.org

Rekha Raagopal
IG: @sexedwithrekha
Website: www.raisingsexpositivekids.com

Goddess Cecilia
IG and Twitter: @goddesscecilia
Facebook: www.facebook.com/goddesscecilia1276
Website: www.goddesscecilia.com

Leonore Tjia
IG: @dreamofthehuntress
Website: www.rewildingtheheart.com

Natalie Rose / ShesANatural
IG: @NatalieRose_fet
Twitter: @ShesANaturall
Facebook: www.facebook.com/NatalieRoseRope

N’Jaila Rhee
IG and Twitter: @BlasianBytch
Website: blasianbytch.com

BANG!: Masturbation for People of All Genders and Abilities - Edited by Vic Liu
IG: @bangforall
Purchase the Book: www.microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/11520

Frances G
IG: @themodernlifecoach [Personal IG] @_liberatingme [Podcast IG]
Facebook: www.facebook.com/modernlifecoach

Asians for Sex Positivity
IG: asiansforsexpositivity

This is by no means a complete list.

It’s so easy for all of us to get caught up in our own little part of the Sexuality Field and Industry. I know this isn’t at all a complete list. I’m certain I’m missing folks. I also started with highlighting specifically Asian Sexuality Professionals, but I think it’s important to expand the list to include Pacific Islander Sexuality Professionals. The original image I created is to the right.

Do you know somebody or are YOU an AAPI Sexuality Professional, Worker, Counselor, Therapist, Educator, Coach, Film Actor or Producer, Content Creator? Fill out the form below to be added to this ever-growing list: