Some Like It Hot...Others, Not So Much.

With Summer in full swing in the Northern Hemisphere, the temperatures have been high. But does people's pleasure and desire increase with the temps?

I recently wondered this out loud on Instagram, and I was (unsurprisingly) fascinated by the responses. I also was curious about people's interest in temperature play, which is exactly as it sounds - using temperature like heat and cold during pleasure activities. And of course, I need to know if y’all are staying hydrated because I care about you. 🫰

Below are the original story posts, followed by the results of each poll.

The most fascinating thing about these type of surveys is that it pretty much shows how everyone falls on some sort of spectrum and that “normal” is extremely varied. There weren’t any “right” or “wrong” answers, because personal preference and informed consent is not about “right” or “wrong.” I want to be clear that personal preference when it comes to other people’s physical traits is NOT what I’m referring to. That’s a whole different conversation. These polls have specifically about the individual’s personal experiences.

For the first question, “How does the hot weather affect your desire?”, most folks are trying to stay relatively comfortable during sexy times. It’s already going to get hot and heavy - and I’m talking about the heat and humidity depending on where you’re living! A 53% majority said that they would prefer to be playing in an air conditioned space. 31% were honest about how the heat does not make them feel H-O-T-T-O-G-O, and 16% said that their desire levels rise along with the temps. Definitely makes me curious about what other types of activities these folks like to participate in during warmer weather - sexy or not!

The second question asks, “What temps do you like to play with?” Interestingly, 53% said cold type play, like ice cubes perhaps! 20% said they liked adding a little extra heat, which may include wax or candle play. And an honest 27% said that temperature play was not their jam. Part of me definitely wonders if people’s answers are influenced by how hot it’s been. Would the answers be a little different in the middle of winter?

The third question was purely me checking in on y’all. 😘 I’m a person that always has my water bottle on me, so I’m constantly trying to stay hydrated. Not that I’m always hydrated, mind you. 😂 I sometimes need to pay attention to how much I’m drinking as well. That being said, I know some people simply aren’t interested in non-flavored water. Also, we can get hydration from other sources other than H2O. I’m glad that people are aware enough to know where they fall on the hydration spectrum, where 50% said they also keep their water bottle handy, 20% acknowledged that they needed to work on their hydration, 17% relies on their iced coffees, and 13% focus on fresh fruits. Yay for everyone who were down to answer this one!

Do any of the results suprise you? What other questions would you want me to ask about in my Instagram stories?

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Reproductive Justice and Pleasure: Past, Present, and Future

Note: The Reproductive Justice and Pleasure Timeline was originally created on a physical brown poster paper for a presentation at Pleasure Pie’s Reproductive Justice Salon in 2023. It was then adapted and modified to be added to Pleasure Pie’s Abortion Saves Lives Zine. And now, I present the Reproductive Justice and Pleasure Timeline here. May this energize you into action.

40 Ways to Practice Pleasure

I’m turning 40!
Here are 40 ways I’ve learned about and experienced pleasure!

Every Day Happenings

• “Gigil” - Tagalog, wanting to squish something super cute

• The moment you lay down in your own bed after a long day

• Taking off your shoes/bra/pants after being in them all day

• Laughing deep belly laughs

• The first bite of a snack/dish that you’ve been craving

Nature is Calling

• Sitting in a sunny window or sitting outside

• Noticing the way the clouds are moving or how the wind is blowing

• Being near or in a body of water

• Interacting with an animal or your pet

• Warm summer nights of silent snowy nights

Social Connections

• Chatting with a friend who completely gets you

• Meaningful, 20 second long, consensual hugs

• Participating in a cause you believe in

• Attending a concert or performance

• Social media interactions that leave you feeling happy

Hard Feelings

• Doing something even when you’re nervous about its

• Crying to release emotions and pressure

• The moment you realize you’re crushing on someone

• Saying Goodbye

• “Saudade” - Brazilian or Portuguese word for nostalgia or longing

Sharing Your Skills

• Completing a project

• Being recognized for something you are proud of

• The moment you realize you have a great idea

• Sharing information you know

• Learning something new that can benefit your work

Sexual Healing

• A first kiss

• Eye contact that’s conveying something only you know

• Anticipation of a pleasing act

• Being asked how you want to be touched

• Feeling satisfaction after sexual play, solo or partnered

No is a Complete Sentence

• Deciding to say no to a social engagement

• When they respond with, “Thank you for taking care of yourself!”

• Not answering work-related messages during off hours

• Setting boundaries with family members

• Delete. Block.

Blurry But Beneficial

• Sticking to a schedule you created for yourself

• Treating yourself after paying a bill

• Clearing out and cleaning a small area

• Making appointments for your physical and mental health

• Making a difficult decision

The problem with these listicles is that they can appear like a check list or like some form of measurement to judge oursevles. These are meant to be examples of a variety of experiences and practices. Certainly, many are missing and even more that we have yet to experience.

For me, pleasure has been my way of staying grounded, feeling embodied, and wading through the various traumas I've experienced these 40 years.

Pleasure has been my guide and my homing beacon.

Everyone's relationship to pleasure varies.

Which ones resonated with you? Which ones will you view differently with a pleasureable lens?

Would you like to have some dedicated time in your week crafting your pleasure practice?

Don't Ghost On Your Pleasures: How to Keep Communication Open

Where were you when Facebook and Instagram FAILED?

I was actually out and about, and mad that my Instagram post wasn't posting. I assumed it was just another way that Mercury in Retrograde was personally attacking me. When I got home, I checked Twitter, and there it was.

How was I supposed to communicate with my friends? How was I supposed to share any of projects I had or promote any products or communicate with my clients? Luckily, I have this mailing list, a website, and I'm on several other social media platforms.

But it got me thinking about broken communication, and not just with our friends and family. Sometimes, communicating with partners doesn't go as smoothly as we anticipate. People have different understanding, different ways to speak about the same thing, or even language barriers. If heightened emotions are involved, one of you might even say something that could really hurt feelings.

I know it can feel really difficult to communicate one’s needs at times. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but you also want to enjoy your pleasure times. You also have to choose your words carefully depending on how you’re communicating - in person, via text, email? The last thing anyone needs when they’re trying to talk about sexy times is to have a misunderstanding that leads to a standstill.

So, now how do you communicate this to them without hurting any feelings? Here’s some suggestions.

KEEP THE PARTNER PLEASURE CONVO OPEN

Try using phrases like:
”I really like it when you…”
”I’m interested in seeing what…..feels like.”
”I think it would be sexy if we tried…”

Using “I” statements can prevent it sounding like blame is being placed. People are less likely to listen when it feels like they’re being attacked. You’re speaking for you, after all.

It’s also important to remember that it’s a partnership. Hopefully, the relationship is based on mutual trust, understanding, and desire to see the other happy. Being genuinely curious about their thoughts and feelings will hopefully keep it reciprocal.

Every sexy session is an opportunity to learn - about yourself, about your partners, about the relationships. Even if you learn that you’re not compatible, that’s an important, and certainly difficult, lesson to learn.

Hopefully, these quick tips can be useful during your next sexy session.

What about communicating our own needs to ourselves? How often do you ask for or give yourself permission to do something? And I'm not talking, "Okay, I guess we're doing this!" and just jumping head first into a situation. 🤣 I mean, like, really sit and contemplate whether or not you *want* to do something.

Okay, now, when’s the last time you checked in about your sexual pleasure?
Do you usually go for your usual fave toys, position, location, time of day/night? Or do you check in once in a while to see if the usual ways are still working?

It’s certainly fine if everything you’re doing is still working. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, after all.

Though, sometimes we don’t always notice the incremental shifts we take. Even if we think we’re doing everything exactly the same, we might take a little longer to reach orgasm, or we might be a little more stressed or hungry or thirsty than the last time. But, we usually press on because, “that’s just how we get it done.”

When it comes to sexual pleasure, it helps to vary our activity every once in a while. Honestly, with any activity, any pleasure, it helps to have variations every so often. This keeps our brains (oh, yes, the most important sexual organ) active and flexible. This tells our brains that there are a wide variety of sensations we can enjoy, and it keeps our old favorites as old favorites.

It’s also a learning opportunity. It’s helpful to know that you do or don’t actually like that type of pressure, or that type of vibration, or that type of touch. When you’re then playing with a partner, you are coming with a whole treasure box full of options!

Here’s some questions you can ask yourself when you check in about your pleasure.

PERSONAL PLEASURE CHECK IN QUESTIONS

During your next solo pleasure time, ask yourself the following:

-Does this particular sensation still feel pleasurable?
-How will the sensations change if I vary my position/ pressure/speed?
-What did I learn about my pleasure when I tried something different?

If you try something, and it doesn’t feel as pleasurable right away, try it again another time. If the sensations are painful - and not in a fun way, then that’s definitely something to take note! It may mean that it’s something to avoid next time.

Your pleasure potential is endless! Being curious about the possibilities, and it could lead you to amazing discoveries.

Remember that you have the ability to add and take away from your pleasure tool kit. Tech changes, information changes, and what you find pleasurable will also change.

Part of these questions come from me being a complete nerd about sex and pleasure. They are legit questions I’ve asked myself!

When I was part of the Goddess/Adonis Advisory Board with Athena’s Home Novelties, we had to test a variety of toys. Some of which I could tell I wasn’t going to enjoy, and others that surprised me completely. It seems like a glorious job, but you really do end up wading through a bunch of junk. My time in the Advisory Board helped me to be more thoughtful about my and my partner’s experience.

I’ve always been naturally curious, asking all the questions for clarity and to dive deeper into a topic. Asking questions can lead to better outcomes and more pleasure for everyone involved, instead of just hoping that it will change or eventually avoiding the conversation (and ghosting) completely.

So much of what you’ll find out in the internet repeats over and over that communication is important. But they don’t often talk about what communication might sound or look like, or that it can involve asking more questions than you think you’ll need to ask.

It might be awkward at first. As with most things we might need to relearn or unlearn, it takes time and practice. And of all the thing to practice, becoming a better communicator with your partners and with yourself about pleasure can truly benefit everyone in the long run.

Walang Hiya - Without Shame (Part 1)

When I was young, one of the Filipino phrases I often heard was, "walang hiya." It means "without shame" or "shameless." It carries a negative connotation, and often used to shame folks into changing their behavior. 

It was not something I wanted to hear my parents say to me or about me. This led to me trying to make decisions that would please my parents, and I would feel so ashamed if they were disappointed. What I didn't realize was how ingrained shame became in how I related to the world.

Body Shame

I don't know if I would have ever considered myself skinny. I remember being told to watch what I ate, not to eat too much, and yet to make sure I finished all the food that was on my plate. I remember a relative once telling me to hold on to my utensils until I was done eating everything. I remember not even being a tween yet and weighing myself every couple of minutes one day, just because I was curious about how my actions affected my weight.

At one point, I believed that my age and my weight had a larger relationship with each other. So, if I were 10 years old, I should weigh 100 lbs. If I were 11, I should weigh 110 lbs. If I were 20, I should weigh 200 lbs, and so on. Clearly, that's a skewed view of the Body Mass Index.

As my weight increased as I grew older, as I started taking birth control pills, as I indulged in late night eats during college, I struggled with the weight I was unable to release. When I would go home from college and, later, grad school and visit my relatives, my grandmothers would often grab at my upper arms and declare whether or not I had lost weight.

It's been a long and difficult journey, and it has been filled with lessons along the way. I went to the gym because I felt I had to, though I learned that I enjoyed guidance and a class structure more than going to the gym just to use machines. I tried Whole30 and being "paleo-light," or so I called it. In the past two years, I've been loosely following the Fit Girl program. Through these nutritional journeys, I've learned more about my eating habits and have learned the value of having prepared meals, if only for the sheer amount of time and money saved during the week.

Every time I failed at the gym or at eating, all those negative messages and feelings of shame zoom through my brain. Yet, something didn't feel right.

In all that time of comparing my body to other bodies, I realized that the standards I was striving for weren't build for a Filipina body. The standards were built and created by white men. Nutritional guidelines don't incorporate meals, fruits, or veggies that were prominently used in my culture. My comfort foods were not the same. I truly felt that I would have to give up my culture in order to fully follow any weight loss plan.

It's taken many years for me to actually learn to listen to my body. At 35 years of age, I've come to learn how much my body can do, and about what I need to do for my health and self-care. I recognize that I enjoy movement, mainly through dance. I've even come to enjoy jogging as an opportunity for me to interact with my neighborhood and with nature. I recognize that food is an important part of how I live, and it's also a way for me to connect with people I care about. 

It's certainly still a work in progress, especially as I continue to age and learn more about what my body needs. I still feel shame once in a while, especially if I'm interacting with family members. However, I have decided that if it makes me feel like I am in any way less than for my curvy body, then I will choose to walk right on out.

How will you be releasing Body Shame in 2018?

....To Be Continued Next Friday!

Mermaid Monday: Ep 8 Silicone-Based Lubricants