40 Ways to Practice Pleasure

I’m turning 40!
Here are 40 ways I’ve learned about and experienced pleasure!

Every Day Happenings

• “Gigil” - Tagalog, wanting to squish something super cute

• The moment you lay down in your own bed after a long day

• Taking off your shoes/bra/pants after being in them all day

• Laughing deep belly laughs

• The first bite of a snack/dish that you’ve been craving

Nature is Calling

• Sitting in a sunny window or sitting outside

• Noticing the way the clouds are moving or how the wind is blowing

• Being near or in a body of water

• Interacting with an animal or your pet

• Warm summer nights of silent snowy nights

Social Connections

• Chatting with a friend who completely gets you

• Meaningful, 20 second long, consensual hugs

• Participating in a cause you believe in

• Attending a concert or performance

• Social media interactions that leave you feeling happy

Hard Feelings

• Doing something even when you’re nervous about its

• Crying to release emotions and pressure

• The moment you realize you’re crushing on someone

• Saying Goodbye

• “Saudade” - Brazilian or Portuguese word for nostalgia or longing

Sharing Your Skills

• Completing a project

• Being recognized for something you are proud of

• The moment you realize you have a great idea

• Sharing information you know

• Learning something new that can benefit your work

Sexual Healing

• A first kiss

• Eye contact that’s conveying something only you know

• Anticipation of a pleasing act

• Being asked how you want to be touched

• Feeling satisfaction after sexual play, solo or partnered

No is a Complete Sentence

• Deciding to say no to a social engagement

• When they respond with, “Thank you for taking care of yourself!”

• Not answering work-related messages during off hours

• Setting boundaries with family members

• Delete. Block.

Blurry But Beneficial

• Sticking to a schedule you created for yourself

• Treating yourself after paying a bill

• Clearing out and cleaning a small area

• Making appointments for your physical and mental health

• Making a difficult decision

The problem with these listicles is that they can appear like a check list or like some form of measurement to judge oursevles. These are meant to be examples of a variety of experiences and practices. Certainly, many are missing and even more that we have yet to experience.

For me, pleasure has been my way of staying grounded, feeling embodied, and wading through the various traumas I've experienced these 40 years.

Pleasure has been my guide and my homing beacon.

Everyone's relationship to pleasure varies.

Which ones resonated with you? Which ones will you view differently with a pleasureable lens?

Would you like to have some dedicated time in your week crafting your pleasure practice?

Don't Ghost On Your Pleasures: How to Keep Communication Open

Where were you when Facebook and Instagram FAILED?

I was actually out and about, and mad that my Instagram post wasn't posting. I assumed it was just another way that Mercury in Retrograde was personally attacking me. When I got home, I checked Twitter, and there it was.

How was I supposed to communicate with my friends? How was I supposed to share any of projects I had or promote any products or communicate with my clients? Luckily, I have this mailing list, a website, and I'm on several other social media platforms.

But it got me thinking about broken communication, and not just with our friends and family. Sometimes, communicating with partners doesn't go as smoothly as we anticipate. People have different understanding, different ways to speak about the same thing, or even language barriers. If heightened emotions are involved, one of you might even say something that could really hurt feelings.

I know it can feel really difficult to communicate one’s needs at times. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but you also want to enjoy your pleasure times. You also have to choose your words carefully depending on how you’re communicating - in person, via text, email? The last thing anyone needs when they’re trying to talk about sexy times is to have a misunderstanding that leads to a standstill.

So, now how do you communicate this to them without hurting any feelings? Here’s some suggestions.

KEEP THE PARTNER PLEASURE CONVO OPEN

Try using phrases like:
”I really like it when you…”
”I’m interested in seeing what…..feels like.”
”I think it would be sexy if we tried…”

Using “I” statements can prevent it sounding like blame is being placed. People are less likely to listen when it feels like they’re being attacked. You’re speaking for you, after all.

It’s also important to remember that it’s a partnership. Hopefully, the relationship is based on mutual trust, understanding, and desire to see the other happy. Being genuinely curious about their thoughts and feelings will hopefully keep it reciprocal.

Every sexy session is an opportunity to learn - about yourself, about your partners, about the relationships. Even if you learn that you’re not compatible, that’s an important, and certainly difficult, lesson to learn.

Hopefully, these quick tips can be useful during your next sexy session.

What about communicating our own needs to ourselves? How often do you ask for or give yourself permission to do something? And I'm not talking, "Okay, I guess we're doing this!" and just jumping head first into a situation. 🤣 I mean, like, really sit and contemplate whether or not you *want* to do something.

Okay, now, when’s the last time you checked in about your sexual pleasure?
Do you usually go for your usual fave toys, position, location, time of day/night? Or do you check in once in a while to see if the usual ways are still working?

It’s certainly fine if everything you’re doing is still working. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, after all.

Though, sometimes we don’t always notice the incremental shifts we take. Even if we think we’re doing everything exactly the same, we might take a little longer to reach orgasm, or we might be a little more stressed or hungry or thirsty than the last time. But, we usually press on because, “that’s just how we get it done.”

When it comes to sexual pleasure, it helps to vary our activity every once in a while. Honestly, with any activity, any pleasure, it helps to have variations every so often. This keeps our brains (oh, yes, the most important sexual organ) active and flexible. This tells our brains that there are a wide variety of sensations we can enjoy, and it keeps our old favorites as old favorites.

It’s also a learning opportunity. It’s helpful to know that you do or don’t actually like that type of pressure, or that type of vibration, or that type of touch. When you’re then playing with a partner, you are coming with a whole treasure box full of options!

Here’s some questions you can ask yourself when you check in about your pleasure.

PERSONAL PLEASURE CHECK IN QUESTIONS

During your next solo pleasure time, ask yourself the following:

-Does this particular sensation still feel pleasurable?
-How will the sensations change if I vary my position/ pressure/speed?
-What did I learn about my pleasure when I tried something different?

If you try something, and it doesn’t feel as pleasurable right away, try it again another time. If the sensations are painful - and not in a fun way, then that’s definitely something to take note! It may mean that it’s something to avoid next time.

Your pleasure potential is endless! Being curious about the possibilities, and it could lead you to amazing discoveries.

Remember that you have the ability to add and take away from your pleasure tool kit. Tech changes, information changes, and what you find pleasurable will also change.

Part of these questions come from me being a complete nerd about sex and pleasure. They are legit questions I’ve asked myself!

When I was part of the Goddess/Adonis Advisory Board with Athena’s Home Novelties, we had to test a variety of toys. Some of which I could tell I wasn’t going to enjoy, and others that surprised me completely. It seems like a glorious job, but you really do end up wading through a bunch of junk. My time in the Advisory Board helped me to be more thoughtful about my and my partner’s experience.

I’ve always been naturally curious, asking all the questions for clarity and to dive deeper into a topic. Asking questions can lead to better outcomes and more pleasure for everyone involved, instead of just hoping that it will change or eventually avoiding the conversation (and ghosting) completely.

So much of what you’ll find out in the internet repeats over and over that communication is important. But they don’t often talk about what communication might sound or look like, or that it can involve asking more questions than you think you’ll need to ask.

It might be awkward at first. As with most things we might need to relearn or unlearn, it takes time and practice. And of all the thing to practice, becoming a better communicator with your partners and with yourself about pleasure can truly benefit everyone in the long run.

On Fame and Finding Your Footing: Thoughts about Abuse Allegations of Your Faves

I feel like I have to say something. And yet, I'm not really sure what to say or if it even matters.

I loved Michael Jackson. I watched Thriller and the Making Of Thriller back to back all the time as a kid. I loved Moonwalker. His music videos were works of art, and you can see the influence of those videos in the music, choreography, and videos created by your faves today. I chose radio stations based on whether they played his music. I cried watching a concert on Pay Per View. His music and his talent left a lasting impression on me, especially as someone who loved playing music.

When the allegations first hit, I defended him. I also was silent to my family about my own history of child molestation at that time.

As I became more vocal about my history, I silently reckoned with my feelings about MJ and his music. I learned more about the psychology and the sociology, the implications and the consequences (or lack thereof) of sharing ones story as a survivor. It's treacherous, it's painful. It's not something I could ever take lightly at this point in my life.

I've known people who have been wrongly accused. I have a minimal understanding of how messed up the justice system is. I know that the system isn’t built to benefit survivors, nor is it built to help those who have been wrongly accused.

And that doesn't negate the COUNTLESS number of people who have been victimized and taken advantage of.

Every post of someone questioning the validity of someone's else's story about a famous person is extremely difficult for those of us who share our story about the people who were also well-loved and popular in our families and circles. Every person who chooses to uphold the art and music without duly criticizing the person who created them shows me that they care very little about the lives of survivors.

And yet, I know what it's like to be a survivor who struggles with the cognitive dissonance of caring for the abuser and being the abused. I still think of the music and the artistry, and I consider what his fame and his own history of abuse did to him. I can remember all the good it’s done for me, while not belittling the pain it might cause to others.

We all have to compartmentalize things in our brains so that we can carry on day by day. Some more than others. Some have the privilege of being able to ignore it completely.

I recognize how difficult it might be to choose caring for the lives and livelihoods of survivors, even if we're privileged in our own ways, especially if it means that you have to be uncomfortable and wrestle with whatever you want to consider as your morals.

Just consider it. Consider the people of whose stories you know and don’t know. Consider that perhaps conflicting thoughts can coexist. That they can coexist without continuing to harm survivors.

For me, as a survivor, my natural default now is to believe survivors. Because that’s where it needs to start. Because if we believe survivors, we now have to deal with the implications, with prevention, with protecting our most vulnerable, and potentially rehabilitating and providing help to those who continue to perpetrate violence.

Believing survivors means that we address the larger problem of misogyny and transmisogyny, or the unequal distribution of wealth and power, or institutionalized racism, or the ownership we feel on other people’s bodies.

It’s not even a start. It’s a shove. And we’ll all have to find a new way of walking through the world, as every survivor does every single day.