Don't Ghost On Your Pleasures: How to Keep Communication Open

Where were you when Facebook and Instagram FAILED?

I was actually out and about, and mad that my Instagram post wasn't posting. I assumed it was just another way that Mercury in Retrograde was personally attacking me. When I got home, I checked Twitter, and there it was.

How was I supposed to communicate with my friends? How was I supposed to share any of projects I had or promote any products or communicate with my clients? Luckily, I have this mailing list, a website, and I'm on several other social media platforms.

But it got me thinking about broken communication, and not just with our friends and family. Sometimes, communicating with partners doesn't go as smoothly as we anticipate. People have different understanding, different ways to speak about the same thing, or even language barriers. If heightened emotions are involved, one of you might even say something that could really hurt feelings.

I know it can feel really difficult to communicate one’s needs at times. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but you also want to enjoy your pleasure times. You also have to choose your words carefully depending on how you’re communicating - in person, via text, email? The last thing anyone needs when they’re trying to talk about sexy times is to have a misunderstanding that leads to a standstill.

So, now how do you communicate this to them without hurting any feelings? Here’s some suggestions.

KEEP THE PARTNER PLEASURE CONVO OPEN

Try using phrases like:
”I really like it when you…”
”I’m interested in seeing what…..feels like.”
”I think it would be sexy if we tried…”

Using “I” statements can prevent it sounding like blame is being placed. People are less likely to listen when it feels like they’re being attacked. You’re speaking for you, after all.

It’s also important to remember that it’s a partnership. Hopefully, the relationship is based on mutual trust, understanding, and desire to see the other happy. Being genuinely curious about their thoughts and feelings will hopefully keep it reciprocal.

Every sexy session is an opportunity to learn - about yourself, about your partners, about the relationships. Even if you learn that you’re not compatible, that’s an important, and certainly difficult, lesson to learn.

Hopefully, these quick tips can be useful during your next sexy session.

What about communicating our own needs to ourselves? How often do you ask for or give yourself permission to do something? And I'm not talking, "Okay, I guess we're doing this!" and just jumping head first into a situation. 🤣 I mean, like, really sit and contemplate whether or not you *want* to do something.

Okay, now, when’s the last time you checked in about your sexual pleasure?
Do you usually go for your usual fave toys, position, location, time of day/night? Or do you check in once in a while to see if the usual ways are still working?

It’s certainly fine if everything you’re doing is still working. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, after all.

Though, sometimes we don’t always notice the incremental shifts we take. Even if we think we’re doing everything exactly the same, we might take a little longer to reach orgasm, or we might be a little more stressed or hungry or thirsty than the last time. But, we usually press on because, “that’s just how we get it done.”

When it comes to sexual pleasure, it helps to vary our activity every once in a while. Honestly, with any activity, any pleasure, it helps to have variations every so often. This keeps our brains (oh, yes, the most important sexual organ) active and flexible. This tells our brains that there are a wide variety of sensations we can enjoy, and it keeps our old favorites as old favorites.

It’s also a learning opportunity. It’s helpful to know that you do or don’t actually like that type of pressure, or that type of vibration, or that type of touch. When you’re then playing with a partner, you are coming with a whole treasure box full of options!

Here’s some questions you can ask yourself when you check in about your pleasure.

PERSONAL PLEASURE CHECK IN QUESTIONS

During your next solo pleasure time, ask yourself the following:

-Does this particular sensation still feel pleasurable?
-How will the sensations change if I vary my position/ pressure/speed?
-What did I learn about my pleasure when I tried something different?

If you try something, and it doesn’t feel as pleasurable right away, try it again another time. If the sensations are painful - and not in a fun way, then that’s definitely something to take note! It may mean that it’s something to avoid next time.

Your pleasure potential is endless! Being curious about the possibilities, and it could lead you to amazing discoveries.

Remember that you have the ability to add and take away from your pleasure tool kit. Tech changes, information changes, and what you find pleasurable will also change.

Part of these questions come from me being a complete nerd about sex and pleasure. They are legit questions I’ve asked myself!

When I was part of the Goddess/Adonis Advisory Board with Athena’s Home Novelties, we had to test a variety of toys. Some of which I could tell I wasn’t going to enjoy, and others that surprised me completely. It seems like a glorious job, but you really do end up wading through a bunch of junk. My time in the Advisory Board helped me to be more thoughtful about my and my partner’s experience.

I’ve always been naturally curious, asking all the questions for clarity and to dive deeper into a topic. Asking questions can lead to better outcomes and more pleasure for everyone involved, instead of just hoping that it will change or eventually avoiding the conversation (and ghosting) completely.

So much of what you’ll find out in the internet repeats over and over that communication is important. But they don’t often talk about what communication might sound or look like, or that it can involve asking more questions than you think you’ll need to ask.

It might be awkward at first. As with most things we might need to relearn or unlearn, it takes time and practice. And of all the thing to practice, becoming a better communicator with your partners and with yourself about pleasure can truly benefit everyone in the long run.